The Cleveland Indians’ Wishlist for Tonight

This winner take all game is about to be nuts, that much we know. But we really don’t know how it will go down. Here’s what the Cleveland Racists are hoping for.

  • Kluber Klobbers the Cubs again. He hits spots, works that Wiffle curveball to eliminate the threat of the meat of the Cubs lineup — Schwarber through Zobrist — and go 5-6 scoreless.
  • The lineup sees a lot of pitches out of Hendricks and stays patient on his breaking stuff. The quicker the Indians can make this a bullpen match, the quicker they’ll secure a victory.
  • Run, run, run. Especially if Lester comes in. The Cubs are pretty easy to steal bases from, and the more Francona tries to, the less at ease Chicago’s pitchers will be.
  • Hit Chapman in his first inning. When Maddon tries another 20 out save, if Believeland can get at least two runners on, that plan will look all the more flimsy.

If the Indians go out and do their job, do what they’ve done all postseason, they should win this one. On any given night Corey Kluber is the filthiest pitcher in the league, all he has to do is be himself till it’s time to turn it over to their unhittable pen.

 

 

Cubs wishlist will be up before gametime

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

So… The Cubs Kind of Did Everything I Told Them to…

I wrote this right before the game started. I’ll quote and address each of my points.

“1. Duh. Win game 2. You basically have to.”

Check. Big ole floppin’ check there.

 “2. Get a run off Miller. That would get the team so juiced, and the opposition so anti-juiced, it could really help the momentum.”

Didn’t get the chance. A wash. To be continued…

“3. Jake Arrieta, be Jake Arrieta. Do your Madison Bumgarner impression like you did last year.”

5 hitless and only 1 ER, yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and give that one a check.

“4. It doesn’t have to be Kluber, but embarrass an Indians starting pitcher. I think it would remind the Cleveland Racists and baseball fans that youhave the best run differential, not them. You have the MVP, you have the Cy Young, not them.”

I didn’t think it was even possible to embarrass a total and complete boner like Trevor Bauer, but getting pulled before completing the fourth inning did it. It wasn’t an absolute shellacking but those rosy cheeks got a little rosier tonight. Check.

“5. Maybe the route of accomplishing tip #4, Schwarber hit a ball 5,000 feet. Ideally at Wrigley pinch hitting. If that big, lovable clutch idiot can hit a how-is-he-not-juicing no doubt bat flip bomb, I think you can really freak out Cleveland.”

Well, he didn’t go yard, but he did murder it tonight knocking two in. I like me a lot so I’m just gonna give me that check anyway. Plus, he still has plenty of time to take an Indian deep, especially now that they’re headed to that little league ballpark they call home.

After that, you’ve gotta be a hell of a lot more confident about the Cubs than you were before first pitch, I sure am.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

What the Cubs Need to Do to Stay in This World Series

5 tips that could turn this thing around for Chicago

It’s nearly impossible to win the WS after going down 0-1. 1 of the last 13 have done so, 2 of the last 19, and 4 of the last 28.

Yikes.

And it’s gotta sting a little extra that had Johnny Cueto not had the flu during the All-Star game, they may have had home field advantage in game 1.

But if the Cubs want to beat the odds and pull this off, here’s how I think they’ll have to perform.

  1. Duh. Win game 2. You basically have to.
  2. Get a run off Miller. That would get the team so juiced, and the opposition so anti-juiced, it could really help the momentum.
  3. Jake Arrieta, be Jake Arrieta. Do your Madison Bumgarner impression like you did last year.
  4. It doesn’t have to be Kluber, but embarrass an Indians starting pitcher. I think it would remind the Cleveland Racists and baseball fans that you have the best run differential, not them. You have the MVP, you have the Cy Young, not them.
  5. Maybe the route of accomplishing tip #4, Schwarber hit a ball 5,000 feet. Ideally at Wrigley pinch hitting. If that big, lovable clutch idiot can hit a how-is-he-not-juicing no doubt bat flip bomb, I think you can really freak out Cleveland.

I would write out just about any other team in this situation, but I’m not going to write off the Cubs just yet. Think about what Boston did to break their curse. Magic happens magically. If any team can do it, it’s this team. Don’t take this too lightly Chicago, but don’t hang your heads too low either.

Like I said in a previous post, you have next year, so take a deep breath and get it done this year. If you win it’s gonna be history, make it historic.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Conspiracy Theory: Corey Kluber Sneakily Replaces His Balls with Wiffle Balls

Is there any other explanation for what he just did to the Cubs?
Or this?

I know how to do that one, you put the holes on the right and just throw it as hard as you can. Aim right at a right handed batter and it’ll bright over to dead center of the plate.
For the Kluber curveball, put the holes facing up and throw it a little more side arm. And for his two-seam, you want the holes on the left. It’s easy.

How else could he make guys look this stupid on a regular basis? It’s simple folks, he ‘s got those good good Wiffle balls with the holes on one side, and flawless slight of hand.

Could you imagine if Clayton were to enroll in the same magician school as Kluber must have?

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Would Ya Take a Look at the Chomper in José Ramirez’ Mouth

Is that a tumor in your cheek José?

Oh no, just one on its way.

Golly, is there anything more beautiful than a ball player — you know, a professional athlete, someone running and jumping and shit — with a mountain of chew in his lip? The one Ramirez has going could legitimately have a gravitational pull. You know what would help me hit right now? Fourteen hours worth of headaches. Love it.

Good on ya José and good on ya baseball, keep setting this example for the kids out there.

 

 

Nick Buccola

What in the Hell Is Going to Happen in This World Series?

These teams are so evenly matched, so World Series deprived, I (along with ANYONE you’ll ask) just don’t know who to give the edge.

Well, the Indians have the best starting pitching. Oh no wait, that’s the Cubs with the former Cy Young winner, the current Cy Young and runner up favorites. Well, the Cubs have the most explosive offense – Kris Bryant (MVP) Anthony Rizzo (basically MVP 2). Oh no wait, that’s the Indians. That’s Kipnis, the best power hitting 2B in the game. That’s Lindor, and somehow Napoli. Ok, yeah, but the Indians have the best relief pitching, that’s how you win in October. Andrew Miller has struck out 40/35 batters this postseason or something. And he doesn’t even always close. Oh no wait, that’s the Cubs, they have the wifebeater who throws 1000 MPH.

Both teams have lights out defense, this is just impossible to call. I think it has 7 games written all over it. No matter how many games it goes, this will be absolutely, positively riveting. Can’t wait for it to start tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

 

The One Guy from Each Remaining Team You Don’t Want to See Win the World Series

The “c’mon, not him!” guys that could still win it all.

6. Andrew Miller – Of all the Indians players, he seems to be the biggest douche. Not the  biggest size-wise, although he may be, I mean the douchiest douche. Seems like a tool, played for the Yanks. That’s plenty for me to dislike the guy.

5. Buster Posey – Okay, obviously I want him to win, but I get why others wouldn’t. He’s spoiled. The hardest parts of his career have been waiting a year for a World Series. He feels like a seasoned vet because he’s got so much hardware. He’s only been playing since 2010 and he has three rings. I could see why one wouldn’t want to see him get a fourth just yet.

4. Javier Baez – I thought the Cubs were a team of nice guys. Then I watched Javier Baez. He treats every ball he makes contact with like a no doubt bomb. Drops his head, starts slowly jogging and gives us that same cocky fucking face he always seems to have, even when he’s between plays or screwing them up. He (along with that one baby mama beater) just stand out as obvious assholes with how humble and classy the rest of the squad seems to be. And besides, what’s with that stupid ass helmet? What are you, afraid of taking a 95 MPH baseball to the face? Pussy.

3. Jose Bautista – Does anyone like Jose Bautista anymore? He’s the only guy I can imagine  ruining one of the sweetest bat flips of the decade with just an awful personality (and sharpie beard). Also, why don’t we talk about him stealing known sav Joey Votto’s nickname? He was the original Joey Bats. I don’t think I’m alone in cringing at the idea of this guy celebrating a WS win.

2. Yasiel Puig – Maybe the worst human being to ever play baseball? I could go on and on about what a truly awful human being the 25-year-old (actually probably about to turn 30, but I guess we’ll never know for sure) is, but instead think about it this way. What do teams do when they win the World Series? They drink champagne. Which contains alcohol. And what does Yasiel Puig do with alcohol in his system? He drives. That endangers lives — albethey LA lives which are worth approximately .46 of others’ lives — lives nonetheless. Please, for the safety of our families, root along with me for Puig to lose.

1. Bryce “The Mormon Meany” Harper – Again, huge asshole. But more importantly he has too much time left. When his Nats contract runs out and he whores himself out for whoever (presumably the Yankees) offers him $500,000,000 he can win one then. He’s not a gracious winner and we all know he’ll probably ungraciously win some time, just please not now.

 

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola