The One Guy from Each Remaining Team You Don’t Want to See Win the World Series

The “c’mon, not him!” guys that could still win it all.

6. Andrew Miller – Of all the Indians players, he seems to be the biggest douche. Not the  biggest size-wise, although he may be, I mean the douchiest douche. Seems like a tool, played for the Yanks. That’s plenty for me to dislike the guy.

5. Buster Posey – Okay, obviously I want him to win, but I get why others wouldn’t. He’s spoiled. The hardest parts of his career have been waiting a year for a World Series. He feels like a seasoned vet because he’s got so much hardware. He’s only been playing since 2010 and he has three rings. I could see why one wouldn’t want to see him get a fourth just yet.

4. Javier Baez – I thought the Cubs were a team of nice guys. Then I watched Javier Baez. He treats every ball he makes contact with like a no doubt bomb. Drops his head, starts slowly jogging and gives us that same cocky fucking face he always seems to have, even when he’s between plays or screwing them up. He (along with that one baby mama beater) just stand out as obvious assholes with how humble and classy the rest of the squad seems to be. And besides, what’s with that stupid ass helmet? What are you, afraid of taking a 95 MPH baseball to the face? Pussy.

3. Jose Bautista – Does anyone like Jose Bautista anymore? He’s the only guy I can imagine  ruining one of the sweetest bat flips of the decade with just an awful personality (and sharpie beard). Also, why don’t we talk about him stealing known sav Joey Votto’s nickname? He was the original Joey Bats. I don’t think I’m alone in cringing at the idea of this guy celebrating a WS win.

2. Yasiel Puig – Maybe the worst human being to ever play baseball? I could go on and on about what a truly awful human being the 25-year-old (actually probably about to turn 30, but I guess we’ll never know for sure) is, but instead think about it this way. What do teams do when they win the World Series? They drink champagne. Which contains alcohol. And what does Yasiel Puig do with alcohol in his system? He drives. That endangers lives — albethey LA lives which are worth approximately .46 of others’ lives — lives nonetheless. Please, for the safety of our families, root along with me for Puig to lose.

1. Bryce “The Mormon Meany” Harper – Again, huge asshole. But more importantly he has too much time left. When his Nats contract runs out and he whores himself out for whoever (presumably the Yankees) offers him $500,000,000 he can win one then. He’s not a gracious winner and we all know he’ll probably ungraciously win some time, just please not now.

 

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Cubs @ Giants NLDS Game 3: Wifebeater Blows Save

0-2, we had ‘em right where we wanted ‘em.

Just as Cubs fans were jerking off about how much of a genius Joe Maddon was for putting in that WIFEBEATER (WIFEBEATER WIFEBEATER WIFEBEATER, HE BEAT HIS WIFE — well his baby mama actually — with fists that move 103mph by the way) for a 6 out save, somehow, Conor Gillaspie blue balled the cubbies by smacking a two run triple into deep right center.

Then the hottest guy of all time ruined it all. (yeah, I’m not gay but I would still probably fuck KB if propositioned.)

ALMOST.

The only way the Giants ever win is from behind and when they have no other choice.

Who knows from here, the last time the Giants were down 0-2, they lost by bigger margins and came back to win it. Finishing off the Giants is clearly pretty hard, because the team with basically the two best starting pitchers, two best hitters and the best closer couldn’t even do it tonight.

13th inning walk-off courtesy of the second hottest guy of all time B Craw getting on base and baby faced Joe Panik finishing it off with a double in just about the same spot as Gillaspie’s.

10th straight elimination game won by the Bay Bombers. What else can I say but keep beliEVEN?

I sure am.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Giants Lose Again, Courtesy of Jeff Samardzija

Well, all I can say is what Phantom Planet has already said, but much much better.

 

 

P.S. Cub fans traveling, get ready to see what tolerable weather and good looking/not fat disgusting pasty deep dish people look like. And not on TV, in real life! It’ll be a real treat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

 

Madison Bumgarner Seems to Have a New Nickname

“The Paul Bunyan of Baseball”

Everyone seems to be throwing this new moniker around. And gee, I can’t think of a single reason…151a8981_nik_lr4

Jesus. Just HAULIN that lumber. Paul Bunyan of Baseball? I think “Paul Bunyan of Life Who Also Happens to Play Baseball” would be way more accurate.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Giants @ Mets Wildcard: How Will the Winner Win?

If the Mets win, it was probably because:

Syndergaard threw 1000 MPH. The Mets scored early, maybe Cespedes went deep. Reyes kept getting on base. The Giants struck out, left runners stranded and hit into easy double plays. Even Posey couldn’t handle Thor’s velocity, the Giants were late all day.

If the Giants win, it was probably because:

Bumgarner pitched 8-9 shutout or one run innings. He dealt. He got through the first inning. The Giants managed some small ball runs. They reached on grounders, flares to the opposite field, WALKED and stole bases. Buster and Pence started their key rally. Citi Field got silent, fast.

 

I guess we are about to find out. Either way, you can probably safely take the under in this pitchers’ duel.

 

 

Nick Buccola

Magic Wins the World Series, So Who Has the Most Magic?

Ranking the teams from least to most destined to win

Almost every year, you could look back on the season of the team that won the World Series and say “boy, that took some magic.” Some supernatural will of the baseball gods was imposed, some prophecy  fulfilled. The Sox breaking the curse of the Bambino, the Giants even years, the Royals finally getting it done for a city that needed a win. Sure it hasn’t been ALL underdogs banding together against the odds to make the stuff of fantastical baseball movies reality, but there sure have been a lot of cinderella baseball stories as of late.

In hindsight it all feels like destiny. But who’s destined this year? I’m going to rank all the remaining postseason teams’ claims to a magical World Series from least magical to most.

Third Tier (Minimal Magic)

#9 The Toronto Blue Jays – The bat flip, do it for Canada, capitalize on Buck Showalter’s worst management decision of all time, ride the wildcard walk off. That’s about it. We all know the Jays are good, they don’t feel like a group of misfits who couldn’t be more deserving. Their lineup is just unfair. If they won, I think we’d me saying “Hm. Makes sense.”

#8 The Washington Nationals  – Last year, we were all scratching our heads about the Nationals. How could quite possibly the most talented team in the MLB be so bad not phenomenal?  The level of clubhouse dysfunction was nearly unprecedented. Manager Matt Williams seemed truly indifferent about his team on and off the field. And we all remember Bryce “Meanest Morman of All Time” Harper asking one of the game’s most noted psychopaths, Jonathan Papelbon if he wanted to go. And he went. The Nats winning it all would could redeem their team’s abysmal lack of cohesion and provide a win for a city trapped in the shitstorm that is the 2016 Presidential Race.

Also, if anyone can explain Daniel Murphy’s season to me without including magic, Voodoo, Santeria, witch doctory or some kind of blood sacrifice, please do.

#7 The Texas Rangers – The Rangers are good again, big whoop. But how they are good is a bit new. Looking at the Rangers this year, we don’t quite see the star power we saw the last time they were contenders. They have great players, don’t get me wrong. But I’m seeing a lot of teamwork out of this relatively young squad. Always a bridesmaid, never the bride, the Rangers becoming world champions could help Arlington recoup from the many almosts they experienced a few years ago.

Second Tier (Pretty Magical)

#6 The New York Mets – Mets fans have been starving for wins for quite a while. Until last year they were lifted up, only to be trampled by the Royals. Hopes were high and then suddenly gone. But they’re back. Do it for David Wright, he gave you his best years, now it’s time to return the favor.

#5 The Cleveland Indians – In the wake of Lebron finally bringing SOMETHING to America’s go-to example of a shit town, now they have another franchise to potentially keep them on the map. Who knows, if the Indians can get it done maybe the Browns can win a Su- okay just kidding, but Clevelanders deserve another title — think about it, they have to live in Cleveland!

#4 The Los Angeles Dodgers – Kershaw has an opportunity to put up an acceptable playoff performance, they are finally playing like the super-team they were supposed to be when they made the biggest move in Dodgers history in 2012, but this time on the back of some homegrown talent. Kershaw’s injury made them betterThat’s pretty magical. But most of all, they could do it for Vin. Win for Vin as they should be saying if they aren’t already. What an opportunity to give a touching gift to a man who touched so many lives and served the Dodgers and baseball as a whole so well.

Top Tier (Do you believe in           ?)

#3 The Boston Red Sox – They finally figured out their pitching, and just in time for one of the game’s and certainly the Sox’ best players of all time to win one last Series. Big Papi’s season has truly been nothing short of pure magic. What a send off they could give such an inspirational player and person for the city of Boston.

#2 The Chicago Cubs – I know, I know, 108 years. How could I not rank them the most magical team?

Mainly, because they are in no way (other than the curse of the billy goat) underdogs. They won too many games to be the most magical playoff team. Whatever happens this year, the Cubs are going to win the World Series soon. I think next year. Having said that, the century-plus dry spell is enough to put them all the way up at number two.

#1 The San Francisco Giants – The simple reason: BeliEVEN.

Look at what the giants have done. They were so bad for so long, and finally, mostly built on farm talent they have become a dynasty. But they are still underdogs. Think about this. Torture. Wildcard. Dodgers are too good. Not enough superstars. Sound familiar? That’s because these aspects define Giants baseball. They have shown us a great deal of magic since 2010, but the potential for a mystical, inexplicable, how in the hell World series win could be the highest here in 2016. The best team the first half, worst the second. Awful in the ninth, awful period. Not a single player hit twenty or more home runs, and they are still in the running.

Look at the Cubs, Dodgers, Nats, Blue Jays and Red Sox talent. It is obvious why those teams are so good. Then look at the Giants. They have good players but really only one to three true superstars in Bumgarner Cueto and Posey. Everyone thought the Giants were down and completely out, but look at them now. The latest possible turnaround, Ty Blach’s inexplicable outdoing of Clayton Kershaw, Romo’s ability to close yet again and that final Dodgers sweep just feel historic. If they do it, it will be through teamwork, it will be through magic.

No matter who wins the World Series this year, we’re in for quite a story.

 

Nick Buccola