Fight! Fight! Fight! – Celebrity Fights We Want to See: Athletes

The action-packed tale of the tape:

1. Total-Boner-Weight

Russell Wilson vs. RGIII
Why?
 Because they just suck so bad, either of them taking a punch would be delightful.
Winner: RGIII. “You deserve the belt man, you take it.” “No, no, really, you should have it.” “Gosh that’s so nice of you, but seriously it oughtta be yours.” And it would go on like this until Russ says but I’ve won a championship already, you take this one.” and then taps out giving RGIII the W. Postgame interview: “So guys, where’s the after party gonna be???” Both fighters at the same time” “Well, if by after party you mean throwing on my footie PJs, heating up some hot cocoa and flipping on an episode of New Girl before bed at 9:45, then the ‘after party’ is at my house” Wilson and RGIII’s eyes dart to one another. Both at the same time yet again “Whoa, jinx! But you don’t owe me anything because that’s unfair, plus, I don’t believe in superstitions, those go against the word of God… Whoa! Double jinx!” *interviewer walks away*

2. Early-Onset-Balding-Weight

Dustin Pedroia vs. Wayne Rooney
Why? Early balding is an indicator of a high testosterone level, so you know this bout would get savage, real quick.
Winner: Pedroia. Yes, anyone with a thick cockney accents are extremely hard to beat. But a through and through hardo with that severe aNapoleon complex basically can’t lose any fight.

3. HD (Hot Dude)-Weight

Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Kris Bryant
Why? Cage match, cage match on the wall, who’s the most unfairly good looking of them all?
Winner: Ronaldo. Kris has a solid lead after two rounds, then in round three Cristiano starts sobbing and goes completely fucking insane at the idea of losing and proceeds to bite, gouge, and crotch punch his way to victory.

4. Disappointing-USC-Quarterback-Weight

Mark Sanchez vs. Matt Leinart
Why? 
Because it’s too hard to tell who’s worse on the football field. Let’s settle it in the octagon.
Winner: Sanchez. Three reasons. Firstly, Leinart is too chill. If he had to sit without his feet up for more than five minutes I think he would throw up. Secondly, Sanchez seems like a worse, angrier person — way more likely to fight dirty. Thirdly, that “He won a Heisman, I can’t let him win this too” thought would provide him a second wind to outlast Leinart.

5. Main Event: Same-Person-Weight

Jay Cutler vs. Matt Harvey
Why? It would just be so evenly matched. I LITERALLY think they are the exact same person. They both hate playing their respective sports, they both crush tail despite suffering from fat face disorder, (huge win for our kind) they both wear blue and orange, and they both do everything in their power to be hateable.
Winner: Neither. Do you really think either of these guys get off the couch to go and fight? They only drop what they really want to do on game days, and very begrudgingly at that. Plus, the two are seasoned vets at disappointing people so this is a day in the park for these fighters let-down-wise. Day one shit, really.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola 

Fight! Fight! Fight! – Celebrity Fights We Want to See: Actors

The action-packed tale of the tape:

1. Boston-Weight

Ben Affleck vs. Matt Damon
Why?
Because we need to know once and for all who the best Boston guy is. When they were Hunting for Good Will, it was cute that they were friends. But now, their careers have separated and it’s about time for one of them to be the undisputed king of Mass.
Winner: Damon. Ben is much taller, but Matt has gotta be scrappier. The taller, better looking guy is always less scrappy. That’s just a scientific fact. So with scrappiness and length probably canceling each other out, it would come down to a mental game. I think Damon out-strategy’s the Reindeer Gamer and barely eeks it out.

2. Idiot-Weight

Drew Berrymore vs. Jenny McCarthy
Why? There’s demand. All men are perverts and for some reason think women fighting is hot.
Winner: McCarthy. This brawl will come down to who has the smaller brain, because that means there’s less to damage. And while Drew may seem like the stupidest person to ever walk this earth, you just can’t out-moron someone who essentially advocates for polio AND married Jim Carrey. That’s Hall of Fame idiocy.

3. Method-Actor-Weight

Christian Bale vs. Daniel Day-Lewis
Why? I think we can all agree it would be fun to watch two actors fucking weirdos become fighters prior going at it.
Winner: Day-Lewis. We can’t count on either of their weights because you don’t know if you’re getting The Machinist or Batman from Bale, or Honest Abe or Bill the Butcher from DDL. Day-Lewis has a little length on Bale, but Bale could channel Patrick Bateman at any moment. So that leaves us at a dead heat, but I’m taking Daniel Day-Lewis because when it comes down to those last 30 seconds they will probably just fling their oscars at each other’s heads. Those bastards are 8.5 lbs and Day-Lewis could huck 2 more than Bale could.

4. Uncategorized-Weight

Mike Tyson vs. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Why? 
Because there isn’t a living soul on this earth that doesn’t want to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt get the living shit beaten out of him.
Winner: Tyson. You know, Mike Tyson. The actor from the Hangover? He wouldn’t take any mercy on anyone, including a tall child half his size. Tyson beats JGL to a bloody pulp and the fight doctors are too busy celebration-spraying champagne along with everyone else in attendance to check if the little fella’s still breathing.

5. Main Event: Dangerous-Psychopath-Weight

Jared Leto vs. Charlie Sheen
Why? If you don’t want to see Joker vs. Tiger’s Blood you’re nearly as insane as these fighters.
Winner: Sheen. A few years back, when he did that exposé on the complete deterioration of his mental stability, I’m sure you all remember the warlock shit, the winning, etc. But do you remember how fucking SHREDDED he was when he pulled up his shirt? When I saw that I legitimately considered banging 7 gram rocks and diseased pornstars as a workout regimen. Leto gets into this fight for sending his Suicide Squad cast mates dead animals, don’t disregard what a fucking freak he is. But still, I think Sheen kills him in 30 seconds (to Mars).

 

If you have any actor fights you’d like to see that I didn’t include here, let me know and I’ll give my predictions. But either way, rest assured athletes and rappers are coming soon.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

 

Make Sports Fun Again: Baseball

Some bold new ideas to refresh the game we all know and love

  • Bring back PEDs. That’s right, I said it. But I’m not saying no limits at all. Just start with bringing greenies (baseball Adderall) back. Let Josh Hamilton hit a few bumps of Katy Perry in the on-deck circle. What about the kids, what about the shmids? Gotta grow up sometime. LET. THE BOY. WATCH. Then maybe allow testosterone cycles. You put a limit on it, like maybe no full on ass-injected Popeye’s spinach quality anabolic steroids, but something so we can see 500+ foot jacks from time to time. And I’m not saying don’t test either. I’d wanna know who’s juicing and how. Right by batting average OBP and HR’s. And give some credit to the savages who still choose to play fair. There would be a few. Think about it, some guys choose not to wear batting gloves and we love them for it.
  • Mainly, liven up the All-Star Break. It’s a pretty long time without much going on. I say introduce some carnival-y skill games. Watch Clayton Kershaw break four window panes or glass bottles with four different pitches. Watch Aroldis Chapman embed a ball in some steel. Watch Manny Machado play the the three bottle pyramid game from 70 feet away. Rapid fire liners and grounders at the best shortstops in the league and see how many they glove. And most obviously of all, a pitcher’s bracket for the Derby. Come on. You have to be messed up in the head to not want to see Mad Bum break a scoreboard. Give them metal bats if you’re worried about it being boring.
  • FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Nolan Ryan called intentionally beaning batters a dying art. And he’s right. You try it now you’re ejected, you try and retaliate and you’re gone. Fuck that. There’s no more penalty for crowding the plate and the only way a pitcher can scare you is with mean look. I say instead of ejecting the pitcher, let the batter rip him in the jaw. That’s punishment enough and loads of fun. Half of our favorite baseball memories are fights, and the taboo us preventing the continual making of such memories.

Purists win every battle when it comes to baseball. How about a W for the other side for once. If you love the game you want to see it grow, so concede one or two traditions for a bit of unbridled fun.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola