The Cleveland Indians’ Wishlist for Tonight

This winner take all game is about to be nuts, that much we know. But we really don’t know how it will go down. Here’s what the Cleveland Racists are hoping for.

  • Kluber Klobbers the Cubs again. He hits spots, works that Wiffle curveball to eliminate the threat of the meat of the Cubs lineup — Schwarber through Zobrist — and go 5-6 scoreless.
  • The lineup sees a lot of pitches out of Hendricks and stays patient on his breaking stuff. The quicker the Indians can make this a bullpen match, the quicker they’ll secure a victory.
  • Run, run, run. Especially if Lester comes in. The Cubs are pretty easy to steal bases from, and the more Francona tries to, the less at ease Chicago’s pitchers will be.
  • Hit Chapman in his first inning. When Maddon tries another 20 out save, if Believeland can get at least two runners on, that plan will look all the more flimsy.

If the Indians go out and do their job, do what they’ve done all postseason, they should win this one. On any given night Corey Kluber is the filthiest pitcher in the league, all he has to do is be himself till it’s time to turn it over to their unhittable pen.

 

 

Cubs wishlist will be up before gametime

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

So… The Cubs Kind of Did Everything I Told Them to…

I wrote this right before the game started. I’ll quote and address each of my points.

“1. Duh. Win game 2. You basically have to.”

Check. Big ole floppin’ check there.

 “2. Get a run off Miller. That would get the team so juiced, and the opposition so anti-juiced, it could really help the momentum.”

Didn’t get the chance. A wash. To be continued…

“3. Jake Arrieta, be Jake Arrieta. Do your Madison Bumgarner impression like you did last year.”

5 hitless and only 1 ER, yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and give that one a check.

“4. It doesn’t have to be Kluber, but embarrass an Indians starting pitcher. I think it would remind the Cleveland Racists and baseball fans that youhave the best run differential, not them. You have the MVP, you have the Cy Young, not them.”

I didn’t think it was even possible to embarrass a total and complete boner like Trevor Bauer, but getting pulled before completing the fourth inning did it. It wasn’t an absolute shellacking but those rosy cheeks got a little rosier tonight. Check.

“5. Maybe the route of accomplishing tip #4, Schwarber hit a ball 5,000 feet. Ideally at Wrigley pinch hitting. If that big, lovable clutch idiot can hit a how-is-he-not-juicing no doubt bat flip bomb, I think you can really freak out Cleveland.”

Well, he didn’t go yard, but he did murder it tonight knocking two in. I like me a lot so I’m just gonna give me that check anyway. Plus, he still has plenty of time to take an Indian deep, especially now that they’re headed to that little league ballpark they call home.

After that, you’ve gotta be a hell of a lot more confident about the Cubs than you were before first pitch, I sure am.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

What the Cubs Need to Do to Stay in This World Series

5 tips that could turn this thing around for Chicago

It’s nearly impossible to win the WS after going down 0-1. 1 of the last 13 have done so, 2 of the last 19, and 4 of the last 28.

Yikes.

And it’s gotta sting a little extra that had Johnny Cueto not had the flu during the All-Star game, they may have had home field advantage in game 1.

But if the Cubs want to beat the odds and pull this off, here’s how I think they’ll have to perform.

  1. Duh. Win game 2. You basically have to.
  2. Get a run off Miller. That would get the team so juiced, and the opposition so anti-juiced, it could really help the momentum.
  3. Jake Arrieta, be Jake Arrieta. Do your Madison Bumgarner impression like you did last year.
  4. It doesn’t have to be Kluber, but embarrass an Indians starting pitcher. I think it would remind the Cleveland Racists and baseball fans that you have the best run differential, not them. You have the MVP, you have the Cy Young, not them.
  5. Maybe the route of accomplishing tip #4, Schwarber hit a ball 5,000 feet. Ideally at Wrigley pinch hitting. If that big, lovable clutch idiot can hit a how-is-he-not-juicing no doubt bat flip bomb, I think you can really freak out Cleveland.

I would write out just about any other team in this situation, but I’m not going to write off the Cubs just yet. Think about what Boston did to break their curse. Magic happens magically. If any team can do it, it’s this team. Don’t take this too lightly Chicago, but don’t hang your heads too low either.

Like I said in a previous post, you have next year, so take a deep breath and get it done this year. If you win it’s gonna be history, make it historic.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Conspiracy Theory: Corey Kluber Sneakily Replaces His Balls with Wiffle Balls

Is there any other explanation for what he just did to the Cubs?
Or this?

I know how to do that one, you put the holes on the right and just throw it as hard as you can. Aim right at a right handed batter and it’ll bright over to dead center of the plate.
For the Kluber curveball, put the holes facing up and throw it a little more side arm. And for his two-seam, you want the holes on the left. It’s easy.

How else could he make guys look this stupid on a regular basis? It’s simple folks, he ‘s got those good good Wiffle balls with the holes on one side, and flawless slight of hand.

Could you imagine if Clayton were to enroll in the same magician school as Kluber must have?

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Would Ya Take a Look at the Chomper in José Ramirez’ Mouth

Is that a tumor in your cheek José?

Oh no, just one on its way.

Golly, is there anything more beautiful than a ball player — you know, a professional athlete, someone running and jumping and shit — with a mountain of chew in his lip? The one Ramirez has going could legitimately have a gravitational pull. You know what would help me hit right now? Fourteen hours worth of headaches. Love it.

Good on ya José and good on ya baseball, keep setting this example for the kids out there.

 

 

Nick Buccola

Why Chicago Should Be Relaxed Heading into the World Series

First of all, I think you’re going to win, and so does everyone else. The Cubs are the best team in baseball, that’s no secret. That shouldn’t be pressure, it should be confidence. It should be excitement. Look at that staff, look at that lineup, look at that pen. You’ve got a whole lot of winners. And sure, so do the Cleveland Racists. But the Cubbies are so fucking flooded with talent, no other team’s talent should intimidate them.
Chicago, look at what you’ve done so far. You’ve beaten the undisputed best playoff team of the last five years when we all thought you were dead. Then you beat the best pitcher of the decade (and for that matter, my lifetime — and most of your players’ lifetimes). You are good enough to be fearless now. If you win, you could easily be looking for a dynasty.

And let’s say you lose.

Then what? Then, you’re still the best team in baseball, and will be for a long time. You have enough young talent to keep you better than competitive for the next 10 years. Take a look at your club by age.

Bryant, Rizzo, Schwarber, Hendricks,  – Superstars. Ages: 24, 27, 23, 24. Oh yeah, and Chapman (if you keep him which you don’t even need to) Age 28.
Baez, Russell, Contreras – A hell of a lot more than promising. Ages: 23, 22, 24.
Lester, Zobrist, Arreita, Fowler, Wood – All Stars on any given day. Ages: 32, 35, 30, 30, 29.
And those are your basically “old” guys.

The negatives are so slight. Ross is done, sure. Heyward is only 27, he has time to learn to hit again.

Tell the curse to fuck off for a second, and think about this. Do you really think Joe Maddon and Theo Epstein are gonna let this team become bad? Really? I say no shot.

So take a deep breath Chicago. You can afford to lose this one, which should be just enough to keep you relaxed enough to win this one.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

What in the Hell Is Going to Happen in This World Series?

These teams are so evenly matched, so World Series deprived, I (along with ANYONE you’ll ask) just don’t know who to give the edge.

Well, the Indians have the best starting pitching. Oh no wait, that’s the Cubs with the former Cy Young winner, the current Cy Young and runner up favorites. Well, the Cubs have the most explosive offense – Kris Bryant (MVP) Anthony Rizzo (basically MVP 2). Oh no wait, that’s the Indians. That’s Kipnis, the best power hitting 2B in the game. That’s Lindor, and somehow Napoli. Ok, yeah, but the Indians have the best relief pitching, that’s how you win in October. Andrew Miller has struck out 40/35 batters this postseason or something. And he doesn’t even always close. Oh no wait, that’s the Cubs, they have the wifebeater who throws 1000 MPH.

Both teams have lights out defense, this is just impossible to call. I think it has 7 games written all over it. No matter how many games it goes, this will be absolutely, positively riveting. Can’t wait for it to start tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola