The Top 10 30 for 30s, Ranked

Give “best 30 for 30s” a google. You will sadly find as I did that the lack of accuracy on this subject is astounding. There are a few of these docs that everyone can agree must top the list, but for some reason they are nowhere to be found or at least horrifically mis-ranked. I’m going to give you my list, which I think is pretty objectively correct with a little twinge of my personal opinion mixed in. Here we go.

10. Unguarded – It’s like The Fighter meets… I dunno some basketball movie. Chris Herren was ripping every drug from cocaine to meth to heroin DURING his almost excellent career. The high school and college basketball standout’s struggle with addiction makes for absolute must watch content.

9. The Best There Never Was – One of the most sports-sad (non death related) tales you’ll ever be told. Marcus Dupree’s lack of athletic success beyond high school will boggle your mind, and seat-edge your ass.

8. I Hate Christian Laettner – The story is fascinating but this gets special credit for how well it’s made. I can’t conceive of better presentation than Rob Lowe narration and the “five points of Laettner hate” illustration. Phenomenal events and phenomenal explanation of them to boot.

7. Brian and the Boz – If the unadulterated and unrelenting savagery of coach Barry Switzer doesn’t get you, Brian Bosworth’s uncontrollable flurry of post-steroid emotions will. The only negative is his BITCHASS son.

6. Survive and AdvanceJimmy V’s 1993 ESPY speech alone would be enough to put Survive and Advance in the top 10, but the incredible sports story and even more incredible man featured put this one at #6.

5. Rand University – Three reasons. Randy Moss’ high school and college highlights, Randy Moss’ INSANE accent, and most of all, Randy Moss’ best friend Sam Singleton Jr. Especially when Singleton talks about how fucked up the duo would get before dominating high school games.

4. The U (Both parts) – Why? “What’s your name?” “G-Reg.” “What you do?” “Get head.” “How you do it?” “Drop my drawers and let her see my third leg!” is why.

By the way, this song is far funnier and FAR dirtier than the doc gave it credit for. Definitely worth a listen of some portion of the 9 minute track.

3. Bad Boys – This has everything a good 30 for 30 should have. A great story, a fantastic cast of characters, and Dennis Rodman being the fun insane person that he is. This look inside one of the most famous and infamous teams in NBA history is loads of fun and genuinely intellectually intriguing.

2. You Don’t Know Bo – Umm, because Bo is fucking AMAZING I guess. If you sat there with a pen and paper and documented every moment you said to yourself “holy shit, everyone should know this impossible thing Bo did!” your hand would be cramping fifteen minutes in.

1. OJ: Made in America – This isn’t just the best 30 for 30 of all time, I think this is the best documentary of all time. All five parts are as riveting as movies can be, and professional and clean as any 30 for 30 has ever been.

Feel free to tell me which ones I missed/ how I fucked up the rankings.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Fuck the Guy Who Wouldn’t Carry a Gun in WWII and Fuck Andy Garfield for Playing Him

I didn’t do any research past watching the trailer for “Hacksaw Ridge” once and refuse to, but here’s what I gathered. Some bitchass didn’t believe in carrying a gun, so he wouldn’t when he went off to war without one and managed to save 75 lives. Well guess what, if he manned up and just grabbed a rifle he probably could have hit triple digits.

You know who else didn’t carry a gun? That asshole that let Tom Sizemore die in Saving Private Ryan. And if you’re a true patriot, you’re not done hating that guy, and your hate should spill over into despising this hippie.

I of course wouldn’t last a minute in the war, but you can bet your sweet ass I’d be holding a gun failing to hit any nazis that whole minute and at least trying.

Here’s the trailer by the way.

And just so you know, I’m not trying to disrespect the troops, just this one. And relax, I cemented my spot in hell long ago so now I’m just running with it to make you laugh. You’re welcome for biting the bullet for your enjoyment.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

 

P.S. I have to say though, the movie actually looks pretty good but that’s not funny so I’m putting it here.

How Does America Buy Tom Cruise as a Tough Guy for Even a Second?

I’m sure you too have been suffering from this bombardment of trailers for the new Jack Reacher movie. And Tom Cruise is (HOW? FUCKING HOW???) playing an ass kicker yet again. Yes, obviously this movie is going to define trash #ArtIsDeadAndNowWe’reButtFuckingItsCorpse, so it isn’t THAT big a deal but still it’s a pretty big deal to me. I am just baffled that he has been allowed to play a badass more than once. Are we just assuming that everyone in the Jack Reacher, Mission Impossible, and Minority Report universes are also 5’5″? “Oh, thank god, all of these bad guys are dwarves as well, prepare to get curbstomped pussies!” Check it out and if you can explain it to me I’ll send you my credit card info.

The man is LISTED at 5’7″. As we know by Eddie Lacy’s 230 listing when he’s actually pushing 3 bills, celeb/athlete dimensions are wildly exaggerated; I think I’M being generous with giving even an inch taller than him the average American female height.

I get that he’s a psychopath and could win some fights that way, why don’t they play that angle? Just don’t give him a copy of the script and let the little bastard channel Xenu and bite some ears off. That I would buy, but him throwing punches and throwing out hardo punchlines is simply preposterous.

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

This Ford F-150 Commercial with Madison Bumgarner is Maybe the Funniest Commercial of All Time

It is very, very rare that I will actually laugh out loud alone at a commercial. But that’s just what happened when I saw this. And it has nothing to do with Madison Bumgarner. Watch this soon to be superstar fake Aaron Rodgers MURDER this pause after “nice truck” and tell me I’m being Giants-biased.

The premise is good, but the execution by this dude is just all time. I want more of him and I want it now.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Caught Cheating Series: Part 1

If these celebs got caught cheating, here’s what they would say to their cheatees:

 

1. Rob Gronkowski – “Ohhh shit we were dating?? HAHAHA no way! Oh damn so like I totally cheated on you then? Oh wow you’re probably so mad right now hahahha that’s… Wait is that a firetruck?? Um… Babe, hang on I gotta check that out we’ll talk later!”

2. Drake – ” ‘Just wait a minute ba-baaay, I ain’t been myself late-laaay, sit down we could talk abouuut it, tell ya that I’m sorry ‘bouuut it. Neva meant to hurt you girrr-erl, stop thinkin’ bout herrr-err, you been wit me from the staa-arrrrt, other girls on my mind, other girls in my bed, but you the one in my heaa-aaart…’ and I’m gonna call it ‘Baby I’m Sorry.’ Do you think it’s good enough for the album?”

3. Oprah Winfrey – “Yeah so what? What are you gonna do, leave? Ha! Please. Bitch I’ll see you in the fourth floor bedroom in ten.”

4. Kanye West – “It’s all part of the plan, Kim, IT’S ART. ART. BITCH CAN YOU SPELL?? A.R.T. God damn, you don’t understand me at all! Out with you! I have to slaughter a goat for this new song I’m working on.”

5. Kim Kardashian West – “Okay, I know you’re mad right now, but think about this” *Turns around. Points at ass*

6. Hillary Clinton – “YUP. That’s right! And he didn’t even work for me and he wasn’t even fat! Maybe YOU are the one who should ‘get tested just to be safe.’ You know what, I’m done with this conversation. Suck my dick Bill, I’ve got an election to win.

7. Donald Trump – “Cheating… cheating. You wanna talk about cheating?… You know who is really cheating? Chin-er. And ISIS. And Secretary Clinton. Chin-er, ISIS, Hillary Clinton, hmmm. You connect the dots.” *holds for applause*

8. Andrew Luck – (fighting tears) “It was DARK, I was CONFUSED, I was SCARED.. I think she put something in my drink! Please, I’m so so sorry, I’m never going out again!”

9. Madison Bumgarner – “Darlin’, hush. She had been a fine steer — real fine — for us for three long years and you know that. I wanted to give her one last treat and she enjoyed the hell out of it. Now say grace so we can eat ‘er up.”

10. Jim Harbaugh  – (In a hand written letter)
“Wife,
She was 19% more attractive than you and based on 45 minutes of conversation, has approximately a 34-45% better personality. I’ll get back to you with a more accurate figure on that when I have it. Her health records indicate strong, healthy bones and her incisors are exceptionally sharp. We marry in June. Attached are divorce papers that you must date, sign, initial and return no later than the 25th of October.
— James.
PS, I noticed the scratch on the family boat and matching scratch on the rear bumper of your car, both of which are under my name. A subpoena is in the mail.”

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Incoming Blog Series: Caught Cheating

A hypothetical list of excuses for infidelity that different celebrities would give.

So, imagine _________ got caught cheating on his/her significant other. I’m going to give you what I imagine different celebrities would give as excuses for their affairs. At first, I’ll span fields, so we’ll get a potpourri of theoretical explanations. If you like it, I’ll keep churning ’em out.

Stay tuned.

 

Teaser: Drake and Jim Harbaugh will be in part 1

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

Movie Review: Sully

A solid telling of a more than solid story.

Spoilers: Next to none. I think you know how this story ends.

Quick Rating: 7.5/10

See it? Yes.

 

Here’s why:

 

My favorite part about the actual dialogue and the content of the movie — as opposed to the way it’s put together — was how the pilots were portrayed. Head to toe, how they looked, acted and spoke to one another. I like to picture the pilots of America as mustachioed savs that are right about everything, constantly dropping well spoken knowledge bombs on those around them. And that’s just how they were portrayed in this. Hanks looked more like the real Sully than I expected to, and Eckhart committed nothing short of murder in the first degree on his upper lip with a TIGHT furry stache that was born for two things: flying jets and munching box. And the two — along with a few other pilots managed to hit a lot of definitive scene ending banger statements without seeming corny. The movie was about strong, intelligent men, and they looked and spoke as such.

Also, I liked that the movie wasn’t just focused on the “OH MY GOD COULD YOU IMAGINE” of the situation, while still doing that aspect justice. We got a lot more about the behind the scenes aftermath of the Miracle on the Hudson. And other than the NTSB being a little more untrusting and aggressive toward Sully than I imagine they actually were, it all felt pretty real. Even Katie Couric got in on the action with a nice little cameo. Speaking of cameos, beware that BITCH Skylar from Breaking Bad shows up to antagonize our (literal) hero. Try not to fill with rage as I did, temporarily losing my ability to separate actors from their former roles. She is solid, and the right amount hateable. Oh yeah, and can you picture a better worried wife than Laura Linney? I can’t. She nails it.

The writers also succeeded when it came to explaining the heroism of the event without it being a “SULLY! SULLY! SULLY! USA! USA! USA!” fest. We get a great blend of positive civilian reception and Sully’s inner worry.

My close second favorite part of Sully was the editing. It’s a challenge to make people interested in a story they already basically know, a challenge that the movie, with lots of help from the editors surmounted gracefully. The bouncing around in time was pretty phenomenal, especially for a non-artsy true story. It was almost always smooth, and when jarring, it totally reflected the jarring-ness of the actual situation. When they make you uncomfortable it’s because you should be.

All in all, it was a tasteful, accurate telling of both what we knew and what we didn’t know about The Miracle on the Hudson. Dramatic, but not melodramatic as Eastwood flicks can often be. If you were inspired by the story and think Chesley Sullenberger is a hero, just wait till you walk out of Sully.

***Also, conspiracy theory: the geese were moving fast, but I think I heard some Arabic screeching before diving into the engines. Radical Islam activists? I’m just asking questions  I didn’t say ISIS but… Those geese were definitely ISIS.

#GeeSIS2016

 

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

PS See? I CAN do movie reviews under a million words.