The action-packed tale of the tape:
Ben Affleck vs. Matt Damon
Why? Because we need to know once and for all who the best Boston guy is. When they were Hunting for Good Will, it was cute that they were friends. But now, their careers have separated and it’s about time for one of them to be the undisputed king of Mass.
Winner: Damon. Ben is much taller, but Matt has gotta be scrappier. The taller, better looking guy is always less scrappy. That’s just a scientific fact. So with scrappiness and length probably canceling each other out, it would come down to a mental game. I think Damon out-strategy’s the Reindeer Gamer and barely eeks it out.
Drew Berrymore vs. Jenny McCarthy
Why? There’s demand. All men are perverts and for some reason think women fighting is hot.
Winner: McCarthy. This brawl will come down to who has the smaller brain, because that means there’s less to damage. And while Drew may seem like the stupidest person to ever walk this earth, you just can’t out-moron someone who essentially advocates for polio AND married Jim Carrey. That’s Hall of Fame idiocy.
Christian Bale vs. Daniel Day-Lewis
Why? I think we can all agree it would be fun to watch two
actors fucking weirdos become fighters prior going at it.
Winner: Day-Lewis. We can’t count on either of their weights because you don’t know if you’re getting The Machinist or Batman from Bale, or Honest Abe or Bill the Butcher from DDL. Day-Lewis has a little length on Bale, but Bale could channel Patrick Bateman at any moment. So that leaves us at a dead heat, but I’m taking Daniel Day-Lewis because when it comes down to those last 30 seconds they will probably just fling their oscars at each other’s heads. Those bastards are 8.5 lbs and Day-Lewis could huck 2 more than Bale could.
Mike Tyson vs. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Why? Because there isn’t a living soul on this earth that doesn’t want to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt get the living shit beaten out of him.
Winner: Tyson. You know, Mike Tyson. The actor from the Hangover? He wouldn’t take any mercy on anyone, including a tall child half his size. Tyson beats JGL to a bloody pulp and the fight doctors are too busy celebration-spraying champagne along with everyone else in attendance to check if the little fella’s still breathing.
5. Main Event: Dangerous-Psychopath-Weight
Jared Leto vs. Charlie Sheen
Why? If you don’t want to see Joker vs. Tiger’s Blood you’re nearly as insane as these fighters.
Winner: Sheen. A few years back, when he did that exposé on the complete deterioration of his mental stability, I’m sure you all remember the warlock shit, the winning, etc. But do you remember how fucking SHREDDED he was when he pulled up his shirt? When I saw that I legitimately considered banging 7 gram rocks and diseased pornstars as a workout regimen. Leto gets into this fight for sending his Suicide Squad cast mates dead animals, don’t disregard what a fucking freak he is. But still, I think Sheen kills him in 30 seconds (to Mars).
If you have any actor fights you’d like to see that I didn’t include here, let me know and I’ll give my predictions. But either way, rest assured athletes and rappers are coming soon.