The Top 6 Rapey-est Songs of All Time

What is it about words rhyming and being set to music that makes us just ignore how god damn creepy they are? There are so many universally loved songs where if you just said their lyrics calmly you could be arrested on the spot.

Here are 6 relatively popular examples in order of pretty to VERY rapey.

6. 867-5309/Jenny – Tommy Tutone
Yeah, you remember the phone number, and maybe even that it belonged to a girl named Jenny. But do you remember how stalkey this song was?
“Jenny I’ve got your number, I need to make you mine, Jenny don’t change your number . . . I tried to call you before but I lost my nerve, I tried my imagination but I was disturbed, Jenny I’ve got your number, I need to make you mine, Jenny don’t change your number . . . “
The fuck Tommy Tutone? You used some catchy numbers to get us all encouraging your obsession with a girl you’ve never met. *Side note, Jenny’s number being written on a bathroom wall didn’t raise any red flags? You were looking at the carvings in the bathroom wall just like “hmm, the word ‘fuck,’ a swastika, oh! A gal’s telephone number, I bet she’s wonderful!”

5. One Way or Another – Blondie
Hey, women can be rapey too! #Feminism2016.
“One way or another I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha . . . I will drive past your house, And if the lights are all down, I’ll see who’s around . . . And if the lights are all out, I’ll follow your bus downtown, See who’s hanging out . . . “
Not only is she threatening to follow this poor guy and sexually assault him, she’s vowing to do so. As creepy as creepy gets.

4. I’m on Fire – Bruce Springsteen
Bruce writing this song “Ya know, there really aren’t enough songs from the perspective of pedophiles. Lolita did so well, why don’t we try something like that but with music?”
“Hey little girl is your daddy home, Did he go away and leave you all alone, mmm mmm, I got a bad desire, Oh, ho ho, I’m on fire . . . At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet, And a freight train running through the middle of my head, Only you, can cool my desire”
And there’s an actual word for word chatroom transcript from an episode of To Catch a Predator the majority of the lyrics to “I’m on Fire.” If by “on fire” you mean a fuckin’ weirdo perv, yeah Boss, you’re burning up.

3. Every Breath You Take – The Police
Whoa, Sting a total creep? No way!
“Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I’ll be watching you. Every single day, Every word you say, Every game you play, Every night you stay, I’ll be watching you.” 
And it just goes ON AND ON like that. It’s like dude, you’re gonna full on voyeur this chick, we get it. That’s been clear from line one, stop insisting it’s just redundant. You could literally replace “watching” with stalking and the song wouldn’t be even a lick creepier, and it would be a bit more honest to boot.

2. Come on Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Eww…….. Don’t get what I mean? Think about it…
“Come on Eileen, Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye Aye, And we can sing just like our fathers, Come on Eileen, I swear (well he means), At this moment, you mean everything, You in that dress, my thoughts I confess, Verge on dirty, Ah come on Eileen”
Cum on Eileen? Ew. And just repeating it over and over? Just stop. Dexy’s Midnight Runners you are fucking gross and oughtta be ashamed of yourself.

1. Baby It’s Cold Outside – Frank Loesser
Egg nog, hot cocoa, chestnuts roasting on an open fire. What else could you need around the holidays? Apparently forcing some girl into a romantic night with you and blaming it on the weather rather than your own sick urges and fucked up personality.
My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry? Father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar. So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry. Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some records on while I pour. The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there. Say, what’s in this drink? – No cabs to be had out there. I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight now. To break this spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no – Mind if I move in closer? At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride? I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out. Ah, but it’s cold outside . . . “
Seriously, how is this song not only okay, not only accepted, but celebrated? There is literally a line wherein she recognizes that her drink has been drugged. Can that lyric mean ANYTHING other than date rape? What. The. Fuck. HOW??? Just, how can this be real? I feel like every time it comes on the mood in the room just turns to “oohh yikes… can I stop this? Can I help this poor girl?” Yet year after year it’s on your radio every Christmas. It was written in 1944, so basically we’ve been celebrating rape culture once a year for over 70 and counting. Good on ya, USA.

 

This whole list just gives me the shivers. Fuck you music, seriously. You’re gross and make me uncomfortable. You’re tacky and I hate you.

 

 

 

Nick Buccola

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