The action-packed tale of the tape:
Russell Wilson vs. RGIII
Why? Because they just suck so bad, either of them taking a punch would be delightful.
Winner: RGIII. “You deserve the belt man, you take it.” “No, no, really, you should have it.” “Gosh that’s so nice of you, but seriously it oughtta be yours.” And it would go on like this until Russ says but I’ve won a championship already, you take this one.” and then taps out giving RGIII the W. Postgame interview: “So guys, where’s the after party gonna be???” Both fighters at the same time” “Well, if by after party you mean throwing on my footie PJs, heating up some hot cocoa and flipping on an episode of New Girl before bed at 9:45, then the ‘after party’ is at my house” Wilson and RGIII’s eyes dart to one another. Both at the same time yet again “Whoa, jinx! But you don’t owe me anything because that’s unfair, plus, I don’t believe in superstitions, those go against the word of God… Whoa! Double jinx!” *interviewer walks away*
Dustin Pedroia vs. Wayne Rooney
Why? Early balding is an indicator of a high testosterone level, so you know this bout would get savage, real quick.
Winner: Pedroia. Yes, anyone with a thick cockney accents are extremely hard to beat. But a through and through hardo with that severe aNapoleon complex basically can’t lose any fight.
3. HD (Hot Dude)-Weight
Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Kris Bryant
Why? Cage match, cage match on the wall, who’s the most unfairly good looking of them all?
Winner: Ronaldo. Kris has a solid lead after two rounds, then in round three Cristiano starts sobbing and goes completely fucking insane at the idea of losing and proceeds to bite, gouge, and crotch punch his way to victory.
Mark Sanchez vs. Matt Leinart
Why? Because it’s too hard to tell who’s worse on the football field. Let’s settle it in the octagon.
Winner: Sanchez. Three reasons. Firstly, Leinart is too chill. If he had to sit without his feet up for more than five minutes I think he would throw up. Secondly, Sanchez seems like a worse, angrier person — way more likely to fight dirty. Thirdly, that “He won a Heisman, I can’t let him win this too” thought would provide him a second wind to outlast Leinart.
5. Main Event: Same-Person-Weight
Jay Cutler vs. Matt Harvey
Why? It would just be so evenly matched. I LITERALLY think they are the exact same person. They both hate playing their respective sports, they both crush tail despite suffering from fat face disorder, (huge win for our kind) they both wear blue and orange, and they both do everything in their power to be hateable.
Winner: Neither. Do you really think either of these guys get off the couch to go and fight? They only drop what they really want to do on game days, and very begrudgingly at that. Plus, the two are seasoned vets at disappointing people so this is a day in the park for these fighters let-down-wise. Day one shit, really.