Think About It, Jay Cutler Is Always Winning

Lemme just throw out some scenarios.

Jay Cutler is healthy and he wins a game – That’s a win. Pretty easy to see.

Jay Cutler is healthy and he loses a game – Also a win. Because 1) he truly could not care less, 2) he still gets to go home to Kristin Cavallari and 3) Bears fans are used to it and too nice to get all that upset. “Oh golly, well at least we’ve got the Cubbies!” is what Chicago fans would say for the Californian “Fuck you, kill yourself and stand for the national anthem.” (seems difficult in that order, right?)

Jay Cutler is injured and the Bears lose – Win. It makes it seem like Jay could be the missing link. “If only that other mediocre QB were healthy we could have been on the other side of that 3-6 loss!”

Jay Cutler is injured and the Bears win – HUGE win. He gets to do his favorite thing. His second favorite thing is staring blankly in the general direction of the game with zero emotion. His favorite thing is the same as his #2 but he flashes us the patented Cutler sourpuss face once a quarter. When you genuinely hate your job, you love those sick days. Getting paid to frown 4 times a game is FAR more fun for Jay than having to play for that money.

Here’s to 30 more years of Jay going .500 at best and casually ripping heaters throughout the city he loves is completely indifferent about.

You keep doing you big dog.




Nick Buccola


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