First off, this is a comedy website, so I’m not going to just list murderers. That’s no fun.
Satan’s bench, in order of likelihood to get subbed in:
5. Tony Parker – He may not be pure evil, but you do have to be some kind of sick, sick fuck to cheat on Eva Longoria. She’s the whole package and you ruined it all, you stinky frenchman.
4. Tom Brady – Uhh, because they’re boys? Maybe even best friends? The Devil wants a cohesive team, so he’d certainly hire a buddy or two. Need more proof? Brady went from being a backup in college to the GOAT. You know who else is a goat? The guy drafting.
3. Ron Artest – Kicking the shit out of a fan gets you into Lucifer’s combine. Kicking the shit out of the wrong fan? Now that lands you a roster spot.
2. Kobe Bryant – Remember when he raped that 19 year old girl? And paid a bunch of girls a grand total of $1,000,000 to keep quiet? Even if you don’t, the Devil does and he wants mamba available to suit up.
1. Christian Laettner – Curbstomping someone in the middle of a basketball game and getting away with it is grade A evil ball. This kind of dickhead fundamental play is why Laettner is Satan’s sixth man.
His starting 5, in order from last pick to first:
5. Barry Bonds – Baseball’s greatest villain. The devil plays to win, and he’s not afraid of cheating to do it. His ‘roid rack probably shits on BALCO’s. Maybe Barry could jack 100 on that stuff.
4. Tiger Woods – America’s sweetheart turned America’s sore that looked like a zit at first but now it stings when you pee and you should really probably get checked out. You can’t be that much of a gentle nerd on the outside and that much of a psycho perv-ball on the inside and not make Satan’s starting 5.
3. Mike Tyson – You know the Devil wants at least one ear biter on his squad, and Tyson is just way bigger than Luis Suarez. Also, “I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in the fucking head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain because that’s the pain I have waking up every day.” is something he actually said.
2. Brock Lesnar – Brock brought unadulterated shit talk to professional fighting before he was even paid to. He secured a spot on this list by maybe being more of an asshole as just his real personality than the scripted villain he became for WWE. Impressive.
1. Kevin Garnett – Always talks shit like it’s his job, and most notably made fun of Charlie Villanueva for having cancer. Stay classy, KG. First overall draft pick from the Devil, easy choice. In fact, Vegas only pays +105 on Kevin Garnett actually being Satan.
This was a lot harder to narrow down than God’s starting 5. Huh, I guess a lot of horrible, horrible people are also good at sports. Weird.