If God were playing a game of pickup (any sport) here are the five athletes he would choose, in order from least to most preachy:
5. Jimmer Fredette – Mormons fuggin’ LOVE God, and this pasty waste of a (classic Kings) draft pick is no exception. You go to BYU, be that much of a sweetheart on and off the court, you’re definitely landing a spot on the God Squad.
4. Josh Hamilton – The guy pretty much has no choice but to be ultra-religious. You know that friend or acquaintance that goes through something really, really fucked up and they come out of it a no-fun creepily nice Jebus freak? That’s Josh Hamilton. Guy LOVED blow. And tore the cover off the ball. Till ya know, he had to stop loving blow. He lost all his talent and had to adopt the classic excuse “yeah but God . . . ”
3. Russell Wilson – Whether he actually was a virgin or not, the fact that he publicized his chastity puts him on this list. “HOW DO YOU NOT FUCK CIARA ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT?” we all wondered. But his answer — for everything, not just the boner-suppression question — time and time again was God did/didn’t do it. Among the most try-hardy of this group, which is impressive to be in a gaggle of God-fearers.
2. Philip Rivers – As if having one million children wasn’t enough, P-Riv is constantly reminding us how close of boys he is with God. He is so obsessed with the J man he could top our list if it weren’t for
1. Tim Tebow – Duh. The guy cures the seizing. Or actually, God does. As he frequently tells us, God does everything for Timmy T. He gave him that home run, gave him the Heisman and even completely fucked up his football career! What a guy, huh? Apparently the only thing God won’t let Tebow do is shut the fuck up about God.
a list of guys no one would ever, ever, under any circumstances want to hang out with God’s starting 5 for ya.