You can’t even shoot an imaginary bow and arrow into the sky anymore, just ask Brandin Cooks and Josh Norman.
Here’s what’s next to go:
1. The Discount Double Check – It may look like an average white guy dance move from afar, but take a closer look. How do we know he’s just dancing and not miming tearing his zipper apart and sticking his dirty wiener right in the face of American sports fans? Too close to call, get this disgusting pantomime out of the NFL.
2. The Whip – Mimicking all of those dancers in rap videos, or leaning back and squatting down to get a better angle on punching a child in the face? Starting to look quite a bit less innocent, huh? That’s child abuse, something that the NFL would NEVER tolerate.
3. The Lasso – Yee Haw! Just showing some country boy pride, right? Wrong. You’re perpetuating the imprisonment and slaughter of animals. You’re disgusting. PETA and fans alike can’t wait to see this one out the door.
4. The Spike – Sure, to you it may seem like a random expression of excitement. But I’m just a bit more skeptical. Look at what’s REALLY happening. They’re literally pelting the earth as hard as possible and then having the gall to laugh about it! How dare we continue to allow such blatant advocation for the abuse of our environment? Hey Gronk, what did mother nature ever do to you?
5. The Dab – It may look okay, but think about what you have to do to dab. You duck your head, turning a blind eye to all of the injustices of our modern society. Racial discrimination, gender inequality, the list goes on. It’s time for players to wake up and stop ignoring the world around them. Plus you know who else “hits dabs?” POTHEADS. No good burnouts. Who knew Cam Newton was pro racism, pro sexism AND pro drug addiction?
Thank you dearly NFL. Thank you for at least trying to corral the vile pigs that play for you every Sunday. Give yourself even more pats on the back, you deserve them all.