Making Sports Fun Again: Football

Three key changes that could spice up football

  • Let the boys dance. By limiting touchdown celebrations so severely we are wasting SO much talent. These players, especially the foot-tappin’ superstar WRs (your OBJs, your Antonios, etc.) are some of the best dancers in our country. It’s sad to keep them from dancing how they want. It would be like saying Damian Lillard can’t rap because rap is suggestive. That would be a shame and so is this. These guys are humping the air. ELVIS DID THAT. A MILLION YEARS AGO AND IT WAS FINE. There’s no recipient of the humping, they aren’t holding onto an imaginary bad bitch. They never reach climax. I say if it’s not directly in the opposing team’s face and it’s not truly disgusting on purpose, let the boys dance. When did it become the National Footloose League?
  • Revamp the Pro Bowl. As is, it’s stupid, risky, and pointless. Nobody cares about it. Just elect the all-stars so they get credit and replace it with something fun and harmless. Blindfold Brady and Edelman and see how many completions on how many different routes they can rack up in a set amount of time. Have other two-man teams complete. Set up trashcans 20 30 50 and 60 yards from a throwing spot, give them point values and see what QBs can score the most points. Have a non QB bracket too. Have the Pro-Bowlers play flag for god sakes. Have some lineman play two hand touch. It would be hilarious. Hell, a nerf ball distance throwing contest. ANYTHING but the status quo would be an improvement. Something fun, watchable and most of all concussion-proof.
  • Go even crazier with the jerseys. Love the color rush. We all do. Huge props there, but keep it going. Each team should have like 9 different color rush jerseys. Let the fans design them. Sports fans love that shit. Let the hippies in Colorado design some marijuana leaf tie-dye helmets. Put a buffalo shotgunning a room-temp keystone on Bills jerseys. Maybe don’t let the Florida fans pick their teams’ gear because dead hookers across players’ chests could be a bit much, but you get the idea. Those jailbird throwback Steelers jerseys should become average on the weird jersey meter. Jerseys are already crazy, let’s make them bat-shit Charley Sheen insane.

Why the hell not NFL? Take a little pressure off of yourself (insert deflategate joke here) for fucking up literally everything else by giving fans some carefree fun distractions.





Nick Buccola

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