- Bring back PEDs. That’s right, I said it. But I’m not saying no limits at all. Just start with bringing greenies (baseball Adderall) back. Let Josh Hamilton hit a few bumps of Katy Perry in the on-deck circle. What about the kids, what about the shmids? Gotta grow up sometime. LET. THE BOY. WATCH. Then maybe allow testosterone cycles. You put a limit on it, like maybe no full on ass-injected Popeye’s spinach quality anabolic steroids, but something so we can see 500+ foot jacks from time to time. And I’m not saying don’t test either. I’d wanna know who’s juicing and how. Right by batting average OBP and HR’s. And give some credit to the savages who still choose to play fair. There would be a few. Think about it, some guys choose not to wear batting gloves and we love them for it.
- Mainly, liven up the All-Star Break. It’s a pretty long time without much going on. I say introduce some carnival-y skill games. Watch Clayton Kershaw break four window panes or glass bottles with four different pitches. Watch Aroldis Chapman embed a ball in some steel. Watch Manny Machado play the the three bottle pyramid game from 70 feet away. Rapid fire liners and grounders at the best shortstops in the league and see how many they glove. And most obviously of all, a pitcher’s bracket for the Derby. Come on. You have to be messed up in the head to not want to see Mad Bum break a scoreboard. Give them metal bats if you’re worried about it being boring.
- FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Nolan Ryan called intentionally beaning batters a dying art. And he’s right. You try it now you’re ejected, you try and retaliate and you’re gone. Fuck that. There’s no more penalty for crowding the plate and the only way a pitcher can scare you is with mean look. I say instead of ejecting the pitcher, let the batter rip him in the jaw. That’s punishment enough and loads of fun. Half of our favorite baseball memories are fights, and the taboo us preventing the continual making of such memories.
Purists win every battle when it comes to baseball. How about a W for the other side for once. If you love the game you want to see it grow, so concede one or two traditions for a bit of unbridled fun.