A Quick Summary of Every Episode of Shark Tank Ever In Case You Haven’t Seen It

Read this if you don’t have the time to actually tune in.

The dwarf on the far right, Robert Herjavec is a sweet little man who desperately wants to give money to anyone who also has children. His face can read “fuck this, no shot” for an entire pitch, but as soon as the “hopeful entrepreneur” says the words “well, a few years ago my son . . . ” The little fella just lights up. Can’t get to his checkbook fast enough. Nearly tears a pocket in the process.

Next we have Lori Greiner. Like baby bobby, she has her own kryptonite. Again, she can be stone faced stone faced stone faced and then one little detail blows her mind. WAIT, YOU’RE A WOMAN??? OMG ME TOO TAKE MY MONEY RIGHT NOW!! Mysogynists reading this, you’re probably fired up, that’s blatant sexism! Okay, yeah it is sexism. But if we’re keeping score that makes it what, a billion to one? It can be annoying to see her invest in strictly female driven business, but relax. I think men are still comfortably in the lead when it comes to the whole genitalia-wealth hookup.

Then comes Kevin O’Leary, Mr. Wonderful. Haha get it? He’s not wonderful, he’s a dick! But we still call him wonderful. American TV viewers you are so funny and clever. YOU should be the ones on TV! Anyway, Kevin plays the bad guy because someone has to. He makes predatory offers that match his whole predatory Eyes Wide Shut vibe perfectly.

Moving to the viewer’s left, we get Barbara Cochran. ***Editor’s note: Fuck you Barbara Cochran. She never buys anything. Ever. She’s not even a billionaire and all she does is give long lectures in the style of a holier than thou jewish mother followed by “I’m out.” Babs, please leave. If you love the show, let it go.

Further down the line, A Gigantic Fucking Tie. Oh sorry, that’s Daymond John*. Didn’t see you behind that quintuple windsor. Love the flashy formalwear, and I respect the game. I guess I am just way too white to have known FUBU was worth a billion. Love it though. Wish I could help the business but I would be like mom dabbing, I don’t wanna make your gear uncool.

Last but not least, Mark “Savage Hero” Cuban. Far and away the star of the show. Here’s a breakdown of Mark’s presence on the show. The other sharks squabble over the business or product in front of them for about fifteen minutes, and then the Cubes just shakes up and sprays a bottle of knowledge-champagne all over everyone’s faces. He explains exactly what is right and wrong about the pitch and company, then succinctly and saüvagely sums up how shitty the other shark’s proposals are. Lastly he either throws out by far the best offer or says he can’t because he’s already crushing their market with a competing business. The antithesis of Barbara, Mark is everything right about the show.




Nick Buccola

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