The 5 Weakest Handshakes
5. Bill Belichick – Old sour Bill DEFINITELY hits you with the dead fish. Just to throw you off your game. Not because he can’t shake hard, because you expect him to shake hard. A Jedi mind trick. Is he going frail? Does this mean we could beat the Pats? Am I just not good enough for a real BB handshake? What’s wrong with me? That’s exactly what he wants, a flurry of questions to rattle his opponent.
4. Bruce Arians – 20%, he’s a nerd. Nerds lose handshakes. But the vast majority, the remaining 80%, he’s just not in shape to be giving hard shakes. I’m sure his doctor told him to avoid heavy exercise. Gripping AND shaking could put him back in the hospital.
3. Doug Pederson – Too sweet. Too Smiley. Not angry enough.
2. John Harbaugh – Simple, baby bro has broken his hand just too many times. Every celebration in the Harbaugh home was a handshake. 18th birthday? Handshake. Wedding? Handshake. Win a championship? Handshake. Each one from Jim has to have taken a tole, irreparably tearing tendons and cracking tarsals.
1. Chip Kelly – Because this.
The 5 Strongest Handshakes
Bill O’Brien – Bill snaps off firm shakes without even trying. We all saw him pick a wedgie on hard knocks, we heard the constant stream of f-bombs, we even saw him fire off 20 pushups (for forgetting what down it was during practice) with that frame. Just too much testosterone there to not make the top 5.
4. Jeff Fisher – Can you imagine ANYONE who chooses to rock that walrus stache NOT delivering power shakes 10 times out of 10? (Andy Reid doesn’t count, too fat to squeeze) A mustache like that and weak handshakes are just mutually exclusive. Period.
3. Dan Quinn – Shiny bald head, multicolor goatee. ‘Nough said.
2. Gary Kubiak – Did Gary Kubiak serve? Whether he did or didn’t I just picture him in fatigues offering up a TIGHT salute. He has lines on his face from strength-frets, I have to imagine his hands are roadmaps from a long history of white knuckled vice shakes.
1. Mike Tomlin – If you told me Mike Tomlin crushed a golfball between his fingers, I would just ask “for fun or out of anger?” He’s so damn strong looking, every Steelers game I just pray he’s gonna throw on some pads and give someone a grade 3.
***UPDATE: Dear America, I am so, SO sorry. I forgot Ron Rivera. The guy who just standing there makes Jon Rambo look like a pussy. During a handshake, Rivera draws first blood. He’s sandwiched between Kubiak and Tomlin, coming in at number 2 and bumping off OB.